


Always Keep Fighting

by rosworms



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 10x19, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, The Werther Project
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:33:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3808855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tag for 'The Werther Project'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Keep Fighting

“Sam, are you okay?” Castiel rushed the brothers as they entered the bunker. Sam nodded and rolled his eyes at Dean.

“You told him.” He accused. Dean made a ‘duh’ face right back at him.

“Of course I told him. You could barely stay conscious for more than fifteen minutes at a time. I’m not going to be at the wrong end when your angel demands to know why he wasn’t informed of your health condition.” In a quieter voice, Dean added, “And if we weren’t coming home to an angel, you’d have gone to a hospital for a transfusion.”

Sam sighed, not really annoyed. He tried to pretend he didn’t care for the attention and care that Castiel gave him, but he rarely ever succeeded at it. Right now he was just too tired to put in the effort, and he let Castiel tuck in under his arm and take most of his weight.

“Yeah, you two just go on then…” Dean called after them as Castiel almost carried Sam down the staircase.

Castiel was quiet as they made it to the bedroom, though Sam could swear he could hear the high pitch whine that Castiel sometimes let through when he was too worried to censor his angelic voice. 

“Cas, I’m okay.” Sam tried to soothe. “It’s just blood loss. A little juice and I’ll be fine.”

Castiel’s lips pursed in response, and he was silent until he had Sam lying on the bed. His movements were jerky as he took off Sam’s shoes and tried to make him comfortable. He was upset, more than what Sam’s injuries could account for. As Castiel brought his hand up to Sam’s forehead, most likely to heal him, Sam grabbed his wrist and lowered it.

“Cas, everything is fine. What’s wrong?”

“Everything is not okay. You tried to kill yourself.”

Sam blinked with sudden understanding. He covered Castiel’s hands with his own.

“I didn’t… not really. I was trying to help Dean.”

“By killing yourself.”

“I wasn’t aiming to kill myself, Cas. It was just… a side effect of what needed to be done.” Sam shook his head, wanting desperately to get his point across. He wasn’t suicidal. 

“Sam, as you and your brother like to say… don’t bullshit me. It was a machine designed to make people kill themselves in order to keep itself safe. If you’d been thinking clearly, if you weren’t so set on sacrificing yourself, you’d have thought to split the difference between Dean and yourself and use both of your blood.”

Sam couldn’t deny that, so he stayed quiet.

“I don’t know what you saw, what clouded your thoughts, but I understand that I came very close to losing you… again.”

“Cas, I’m sorry. I didn’t… I’m not suicidal.”

“Aren’t you?” 

Sam was taken aback, could do nothing more than furrow his eyebrows at the question.

“Sam, you may not want to purposely kill yourself on the surface, but I have seen you time and time again ready to lay down your own life even when the situation doesn’t call for it. Sometimes…” Castiel let out a shaking breath, eyes watching as Sam brought his arms in around himself. A self soothing gesture Sam seemed to do a lot. “…Sometimes, it seems as if you are looking for excuses to die.”

“Cas, I-”

“Sam, it’s not okay and it’s not fine that you feel the need to do these things.”

“I…” What could Sam possibly say? If he looked within himself, he knew he’d had more than the occasional ideation about his own death and he’d longed for everything to be over many times. “I know. Okay? I know. But I don’t know what else to do.”

Suddenly Sam was surrounded by warmth. More warmth than just Castiel’s arms wrapping around him. Warmth that felt like home, love, and peanut butter cookies.

“You keep fighting. When you can’t fight for yourself, fight for me. Fight for Dean. When you can’t do that, I’ll fight for you. Fight not with weapons, but with wisdom. Seek out help from professionals. Your specialty is the supernatural, not the medical or chemical. Let doctors do what they are trained to do and let yourself accept help.” Castiel’s low rumbling voice vibrated against Sam’s head as he was tucked into the angel’s shoulder.

“Just keep fighting?” Sam asked.

“Always.”


End file.
